A few months ago I told my colleague, ‘The human body is just too difficult to maintain.’ And a week or so after that I was lying in my bed at 8pm on a Tuesday crying while my flatmate insisted I call emergency services.
Firstly, I’d like to dispel a myth that I certainly had and maybe you did too, that if you accidentally call 999 on your phone — which is very easy to do — the world would end. Wrong. You will not be taking the time out from a call that is more urgent. It won’t happen that they are there saying ‘hello’ a million times to your butt while someone else is bleeding to death but getting a busy tone. In fact 999 is a consultancy service which I did call to discuss the multiple symptoms I was experiencing (I am not just a hypochondriac there was bleeding involved here, and not the menstrual type — HA) with a nice lady who then connected me to a GP, albeit who called at 4am and wasn’t very helpful.
Yes, I did say I was crying and I know the mention of tears always alerts people’s empathetic glands and inflates their concerns. I was crying because, as I explained to my friend, I couldn’t take care of myself all on my own. There were too many things on my checklist.
(1) Finding the right face wash and using it just the right number of times, and making the perfect number of circled-scrubs around my cheeks to ensure that I don’t have puss-y, red mountains on my face, screaming at whoever comes to talk to me. Note: I spent £4 on a Johnson & Johnson face wash and apparently ‘gentle’ in skincare terms means expensive water, so my skin was the worse in years after using that. I have since returned to using a £1 Ciel scrub from Lidl and highly recommend it! Even to people with combination skin — skin that is sensitive but also very oily or it could also mean half lizard, half lioness… depends.
(2) HAIR! OMG… You know when you see someone and the simple fact that their hair is shiny and frizz-free makes them look like a Greek god or goddess? It is like a real life L’Oreal ad inclusive of the hair swiveling or fringe flicking (people with great hair always know it and show it). Hair makes all the difference to appearance — obviously I’m appealing to the people with hair because being bald is a whole other thing and history will tell you that I love a bald man — HA. So people with hair — OMG…a good shampoo and condition every two days is not enough. If you use the wrong shampoo you could end up with a scratchy scalp (Head&Shoulders) or straw hair (cheap-ting-no-good Herbal Essence which really fools you with the packaging… Again, expensive, coloured water), or fly-away hair that is tapered and split at the ends (Treseme) or really greasy, stick to your fore-head hair (Motions). And what makes it even more difficult is that you can’t go on a concerted hunt for the best shampoo for you because your hair will become immune to it and sooner than later you will need to change your brand because one of the above things will start happening. A bad hair day does not only have implications on your attractiveness but also how tasteful and collected you look. When your hair refuses to stay down but can’t go in a bun because the front sticks up like eager hands in kindergarden, it is very hard to go to an interview, on a date or to church without looking like you’ve had a very rough life and surrendered to it after a futile battle. Soft, flowy hair is such a positive thing, to your aura, your appearance and your general well-being. Conclusion: you can use the above products but you must use them interchangeably. And you have to, must do, buy a circa £5 leave-in conditioner/hair moisturizer/hair mask. Recently I’ve been doing that plus adding in some volumising mousse AND brushing my hair every time I wash it (but not immediately after as this can be damaging). I am this close to being recruited for a L’Oreal commercial and feeling mighty confident while I swish my locks to and fro. Oh, and I need to mention: DO NOT DIE YOUR HAIR IT IS NOT WORTH IT!!!!!!!! Please take this advice as I am someone who has died my hair at least 10 times. And yes, I purposely spelled dye wrong because hair-colouring is aesthetic death.
I know what you are thinking… What do skin and hair care have to do with emergency services? And… Did she really call 999 because of some frizz and a few spots of acne? No, she didn’t. But there is a golden rule that says that blogs or anything on the internet should be kept short and this list is VERY long.
And will be continued in a future post…
If you have any recommendations for beauty products or routines that work for you please share them below and if you have had the pleasure of calling 999 (that is the number in Britain right?) for neurosis or other emergencies, please share that too… I want to hear your stories.