…an employee

I promise you this blog won’t be all about the toils of a woman. In fact, I think what I am about to share will hit home for men as well.

imageIt is the greatest debacle a working person can face after trying to seem useful and relevant enough to continue getting paid. Unless you’re an air hostess, waitress, policeman or bus driver, you won’t be given five of the same outfits to just slip into every day. If you aren’t lucky enough to have a uniform, you probably spend at least 30 minutes a day choosing and changing your outfit, requiring you to get out of bed that much earlier every day.

Before I started my current job I thought I’d buy myself a new, rather enhanced, wardrobe. I figured the staple clothing items to buy were knee-length skirts, closed in, low-ankle leather shoes, sleeveless patterned tank tops that at least cover part of my bum, longer tops that cover my entire bum, a cardigan/pull-over, and some accesories. Please excuse me if I don’t know the technical names for these things like ‘Lubitkins’ or ‘stilettoes’ or ‘pencil skirts’ or ‘jodphurs’ or the ‘Kate Moss look’ or the ’70s style hippie thing’.

Anyway, as you can tell, I spent quite a bit of money and I don’t have much of a clue — I spent the majority of my life wearing mother-bought clothes, sports and school uniforms or poorly-fitted, on-sale items and I had the mentality that if I didn’t try at all and I still got complimented then I was a natural beauty, which I thought was the best kind. So, without much of an idea, I went on a few shopping trips and this is what I learnt:

KEEP THE RECEIPTS! My foolish confidence in my ability to put outfits together from the hoards of clothes staring back at me in Primark leads me to pull my purchases out of the bag recklessly the night of, without paying attention to where that golden return ticket flies to. And that is why I ended up with the following 10 new skirts:

(1) A black and white patterned slinky skirt from H&M that looked splendid on in the dressing room but when I wore it to work I realised that it had a terrible relationship with gravity. I only had to take four steps and the skirt would climb up from my knee to precariously close to my butt cheeks. I am sure you can imagine my walk… Knees tight together, close steps, dipped shoulder and left hand tugging my skirt down every minute — sort of like I was doing side crunches while walking but I really wasn’t. FAIL.

(2) A bright orange fitted, knee-length skirt from Primark. Not much to say here besides the fact that it was an UTTER waste of £4! The skirt is so see-through you could count the dimples in my thighs and the frogs on my panties. And whether or not I’m developing varicose veins.

(3) The same skirt as above in green. Sigh. It is not as transparent though so I wore it with one of my butt-covering tops and it looked alright.

(4) An expensive animal print, fitted skirt from H&M that you cannot see through but that is so tight it accentuates my lower curves so much that it looks like I’m advertising butt-enhancing lingerie. I also cannot find a top long enough, or patterned and coloured correctly to go along with this skirt. So it is yet to be worn.

(5) An orange patterned elastic-waisted skirt, mid-thigh. I should know by now that anything that reaches mid-thigh in the front, falls at least five inches higher in the back, making me too conscious of the spectacle I may give the willing audience of men in the tube to walk up the left-hand side of the escalator. It also means when I sit on the train seat my butt touches the utterly dirty cushion.

(6) A 70s style skirt (long, flowing and with flowers on it). I bought it (well two of them) at a vintage store in Paris. So it could be from 1949s for all I know. What I am sure of is that it has magical slimming powers because twice I was told I looked skinny. I haven’t been ‘skinny’ for years. I like this skirt the best because it feels as though I’m bringing my bed covers with me and I’m not actually making an effort, the skirt is making an effort for me. Well, that is if you consider the frumpy, granny look as the ‘in’ thing!

Retired but snazzy 60-year old's skirt.
Retired but snazzy 60-year old’s skirt.

(7) By now you’re all skirted out. Well at least I am. So I won’t tell you about my impulse buy at the Monday morning market of a non-granny, but more like retired mid 60s woman with a bit of flair skirt for £10 — it was supposed to be £12 but I only had a tenner. I was well pleased. That’s gotten the most wearage!

I will now eskirt you to the ‘On being’ blog door, knowing that yet again I did not finish my list, but I am planning to in future blogs.

PS… Sorry for referring to my butt all too often but I am sure you have deduced that this is the key antagonist in the story of my clothed life. The protagonist being my slim-ish waist.

What are your favourite work clothes? Have you successfully found something both comfy and functional and slimming? Please share!

(For the men who got this far… Sorry that I didn’t hit home for you guys. In the next post for sure. It’s about shoes and stuff… Leather ones, no heals).

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