Runaway Bride, what a great movie, eh?! Well I’m pretty much her (the main character) except she did really, tremendously well to stick around all the way up until the wedding. Me on the other hand — my running shoes are on at all times resulting in me not making it passed the third week after meeting someone I like.
Typical Bianca + guy scenario: there we are after a great afternoon together, chatting about our future, even interjecting snippets of we’s into our hopes and dreams. For some moments what we want becomes collective — a companion, marriage, cute kiddies, someone to exercise with and share our favourite books with. We giggle and wink at each other and maybe even hold hands as we walk along the Thames. Our goodbye is a loaded one, longing lingering at the side, ready to fill our chests as soon as we part. A passionate kiss communicates a mutual desire to see each other again and to explore the possibilities.
But of course I have my running shoes on, always, and I know nothing else but how to run away. Away from the inevitable failings of an intimate human relationship. Away from the knot of a rope, that would tie me down with a heavy anchor, an anchor that would stop me from finding the one. The elusive one. The one who gives me tremendous reasons why it would be terrible to run from him.
A friend of mine put it so perfectly when he described me. He said, ”I sensed, from what you told me, and what i read in your fiction, and how you were with me that you feared that any love would not be as perfect as that imaginary love of your life… ‘
I do not know if I was born this way or if I developed such ways of thinking and reflexes as a result of the numerous romantic comedies I have watched. But I find most guys I meet just aren’t worth committing to because they aren’t anything like I imagined.
For instance, I have a liking for love songs and I really enjoy making up scenarios in my head, like virtual music videos, of me and a fantasy guy being in love and dancing slowly to these songs. I know love isn’t perfect but I want to be able to sing One Direction’s ‘More Than This‘, look the guy in the eye and really mean it, like 100 percent. But put me in front of my current interest and my jaw locks.
I’d like to run with my guy in the rain while crying because we just fought over our political views only to realise we didn’t give a poop about politics but we sure did about each other.
I’d like to tell my guy, ‘Sorry I cant be with you, I’m not ready’ and he pull me back and say, ‘neither am I but I never will be ready to admit that my heart aches just thinking about letting you go. Plus, Ive got your running shoes in my bag and I’m not giving you back.’
I’d like to be next to him and feel like it’s as natural as leaves on trees.
I’d like him to send me good morning texts and say ridiculously romantic things to me that I actually believe.
I’d like to say on BBC Desert Island Discs when interviewed after doing something spectacular, that my guy is my absolute best friend and that he’s indispensable like Baroness Scotland’s husband (you must listen to her interview).
Not surprisingly, these things don’t really happen except maybe in spurts at the beginning, when I’ve just met the guy.
But… I have a vivid imagination that can take aspects of real life, of guys that I meet, and create incredulous stories of love. And I will do that until I experience a real life love story that I can’t top.
I guess I promised myself a long time ago that if I ever fell in love there would be an amazing story to go along with it. One that I could tell and tell again. One that is never-ending. One that when I tell it I feel as though I may have made it up, but on pinching myself I realise that I didn’t.
A love story that is better than any story I’ve ever made up.
Yup. That’s a public statement of my promise. (Please note the clause *if I ever fall in love.)
For now I am content with meeting interesting guys that can become characters in my stories. I recently went to a wedding and was feeling so down about being single and almost 25. But then a nice guy asked me to dance and we talked for about an hour and my spirits were immediately lifted, and they stayed high even after he mentioned his girlfriend. Because to me it matters not if he is not the one, unavailable or not interested romantically. In MY love story it’s so totally different.
What’s your love story? I LOVE hearing other people’s love stories. Prove me wrong why don’t you!