Being single is extremely difficult right?
It is difficult because when we get home from work we have all the freedom to go to sleep early, read whatever books or watch whatever programs we want, not cook or cook our favourite dish, take long showers, go running or to the gym, have personal prayer time or go to sleep early.
It is difficult because it gives us the freedom and the extra time to devote to discovering and developing ourselves by putting our fingers in a lot of pies or immersing ourselves in one big pie that we know we love. It gives us so much extra time to try and test things and allows us the risk of failing, falling and being a little confused for a while. It gives us time to discover our talents and perfect them, unhindered.
It is difficult because it gives us all this time to spend with a whole host of people, men and women, who benefit from our presence and involvement in our lives, who benefit from us making the time after work to meet up with them and to develop strong friendships, who benefit from us being available to them and there with them through the difficult times. And because we have all that extra time, we can be great friends to many people, many people who need us, many people whose lives we can change.
It is difficult because sometimes those people who we help are the most vulnerable people who need hours and hours of help and we spend days and nights helping them or praying for them. And because we have all the extra time we are the ones they look to and that are available to spend that amount of time with them when everyone else is busy tending to their other halves.
It is difficult because it means we spend a lot of time by ourselves, in an empty bed, where we can spread our legs and our arms out, sleep peacefully without the disturbance of noises, someone else’s body heat or their unusual sleeping hours. It means we spend a lot of time learning how to enjoy our own company and as a result truly learning how to love ourselves and be at peace with who we are, with a restful mind.
Being single is difficult right? NO, not right. It is NOT difficult. Unless you make it difficult…
You make it difficult when you think only about the fact that you are single, all the time, and plan all your activities and your prayer around finding a boyfriend and husband, so that when you come home from work all you can think about is what YOU DO NOT HAVE, instead of practicing the guitar that you do have, enjoying the radio program that you do love, reading the book that you do enjoy. You instead just sit there moaning and groaning about what COULD BE BUT ISN’T.
You make it difficult when you neglect yourself and the need to develop your talents and your strengths. All you can think about is your future husband and how great HE is, but you neglect that you are still underdeveloped, your career is still up in the air and you don’t even know what you talents and calling are. You neglect the need for personal prayer and intimacy with your Heavenly Father and instead you spend all the time praying for your husband when YOU NEED THE PRAYER. You neglect the gift you have of time and you WASTE it spending all the time thinking of what you don’t have. You WASTE it…
You make it difficult because you spend all the time with others talking about your future husband and how terrible you feel because he hasn’t arrived in your life yet. You talk incessantly about what you wedding will be like and about what you want your husband to be like. Every conversation is about marriage and relationships. You bore the people around you with this unending conversation instead of developing meaningful, fulfilling relationships with those people, that are based on what you have, the experiences you experience and the people that are actually in your life at that point. You neglect the people in front of you because you so desperately want that person who isn’t there yet.
You make it difficult because you go out looking for that person everywhere and anywhere. And even when someone comes up to you who is not your future husband but is 1% what you want your future husband to be like, you become obsessed and needy and desperate. This begins to show and then it ends in rejection because no one likes desperate, pushy people. Or maybe that person entertains your desperation, but because he is not the right one for you it is absolutely frustrating and makes your search even more treacherous and dire and your conversations about it even more depressing. And you, even more depressed.
You make it difficult because you miss out. Plain and simple, you waste so much time moaning, groaning and wanting what you don’t have that you miss out on life. You miss out on the opportunities to bring light and love to vulnerable and needy people because you yourself do not have light. You do not have any light because you are depressed, you are sad, you are obsessed, you are blind. You cannot appreciate what you DO HAVE, so you in no way are capable of helping other people to appreciate and enjoy their lives. More so, your trivial problems pale in comparison to many other people’s problems so it would be unfair and inconsiderate for you to burden them more with your ‘problems’.
It is difficult because all in all YOU DO NOT LOVE YOURSELF and thus you cannot bear to spend time by yourself. You need a man to complete you, you need a man so that your life can START. Yet your life is NOW it is not then, when your husband suddenly appears. You cannot bare your own company, you cannot deal with your own problems, you cannot find a way to make your life worth living using the resources at hand, and you cannot find the peace within yourself to live a full life while you are single, wanting nothing more than what you have because you don’t know how to make the best of that and have true enjoyment out of it.
The apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:26-35:
‘For this world in its present form is passing away. I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.’
You make it difficult because you make marriage heaven on earth when there is no heaven on earth. You make marriage your god, your idol, your everything, the solution to your loneliness, the very thing that will give you your worth, the ends to your means, the most important thing in your life, now and always. When actually there is only one heaven and that is the heavenly kingdom with Jesus as our everything and ALL in ALL. If you knew Jesus and you were devoted to Him you would be so overwhelmed by His love and by the needs of the world to hear the gospel and to be healed, rescued and saved, that you would have no time to think about what you do not have.
For non-Christians… it is still the same. If you took the time to find out what your talents were and your purpose in the society and in the world then you would be so busy developing those talents and serving your purpose that you wouldn’t have the time to think about what you do not have. If your eyes were open to the richness of life, then you would be so overwhelmed by the beauty of this world (created by God) that you would not have space in your heart to yearn desperately for things you do not have. If you looked around for once, shut your mouth and stopped being so selfish in taking up air-time with your moaning and groaning you would realise how blessed you are, how much you are yet to explore and how absolutely lucky you are to even be alive.
Because the risk you run is that if you DO get married, that marriage will consume all your time, you will try to find happiness in your marriage and you will continue to ignore the world and even yourself. You run the risk of being a casualty of selfish, unwholesome, unGodly marriage. Because a marriage that is set on the basis of two people completing each other and being the source of each other’s happiness destined for immense, complete and devastating failure. And I promise you you will be far more broken then than you feel you are now.
In an article about George Clooney’s new fiance (who took the time to develop herself and has a full life regardless of her relationship status) the author said: ‘Will marriage add a new, wonderful dimension to your life? Yes, absolutely. But it won’t fill a void that doesn’t exist.’ Because, if you live your life fully and devotedly to God there is not void!!!!
LADIES and MEN… live in the NOW. Being single is great, it is great because it is your current situation, not likely to change in this very moment. It is great because it is ‘being’ not ‘wanting to be’. It is what you are now, so BE, and BE THE BEST YOU CAN BE. Live your life with all your heart and you will have no space for want or desperation.
Stop making it so difficult to be single and OPEN YOUR EYES, LIVE YOUR LIFE!!!
There I said it…
For all those who don’t so much like reading. Here’s the video version of this blog: